“Grallie is a lot happier when there is no man in her life,” I hear Laverne saying firmly to an unknown other at the end of the phone. It astonishes me that anyone might be interested in my relationship status. It sets something in motion and later, driving across town I am overwhelmed by a sense of gratitude for my life exactly as it is. It would appear that I am rather good at working against the trend. Nearly everyone I know colours their hair and is after a man. But not me.
It occurs to me, when I stop the car at the first convenient spot in order to let the palpitations die down, that this feeling has been building in me since I voiced my intention a few months ago of receiving a new man in my life if that was the plan for me. With each passing month I have kept an eye open, because you have to be vigilant in case your intended comes in disguise, but nothing has come. One or two little frissons maybe but no follow- through. So I am increasingly of the opinion that my unremembered life- plan does not include another intimate relationship. The sense of relief is huge.
Intimate relationships are hard to manage. There is a limited length of time that they can be held together by magic alone. Four years in fact. A quartile each for sensation, connectedness, being and wonder. After that a step must be taken into reality or the whole thing starts flaking, like an iguana’s skin.
I remember so well the growth of awareness that something is amiss. The missed chances of connection, the growth of a dance that keeps the two of you from bumping in to one another, so that days grow into months and neither has touched the other. The absence grows along with the days, until it takes the form of a great beast, sitting there in the middle of the room, with each one of you stepping around it, careful not to upset the status quo.
It takes courage to exit from the room but it takes even more courage to lead your partner to the beast and force him to feel the dry scaley skin. That courage is the absolute condition for becoming happy. What no longer fits falls away, that is the law.
I know I cannot live without harmonious surroundings, because I have woken up and I intend to carry on living that way. For me harmony seems to exist only when I am alone or when I am with girl friends. The process of learning this has brought me to myself.
What I realised while crossing town; what created the powerful reaction, is the moment’s realisation that I no longer carry the yearning for the male within me. Even Daniel Craig no longer stalks the corridors of my psyche. The male has been integrated, so I no longer need him out there. When did this happen? When did I start living complete and at ease within myself? Was the answer found within the pages of Gebser, while I was looking for something else?
It seems that while I am aiming my arrow of life towards timelessness, a lot else is happening. This state exists in meditation and in sleep but in life it is collapsed time that feels like shimmering in bliss. As it works through the body from source, it is infinitely possible. Gebser taught me the meaning of these words. It will never let me down because it is the truth. It exists in great abundance all around me and somehow, on my route to it, I have managed to clear enough debris to reach the place of bliss.
Many men have helped me with this debris clearing and I thank them for this. But I made the decision to take the route. In the process I have caught glimmers of truth that rise within me as bubbles of joy. The absence of an intimate relationship may be the price I have paid for this, temporarily or permanently; only time will tell (and what of timelessness then?).
Tomorrow I head for Devizes and the Crop Circle Lectures. It is an adventure and I go alone. I’ve booked a B&B for three nights and I suspect I will come back changed in some meaningful way. It has that crossroads feel to it. ‘The meaning of life is to see’, said the Zen sage Hiu Neng and I will make sure, as always, that I am looking!