Erotic Carrots

Back from Dorset to a flood at the Warren. The hall carpet is ruined and the place looks tatty and forlorn. But I must make my way to Paris as soon as possible as Giles is getting quite antsy. So instead of calling the drain doctor I was on the internet for much of the morning booking my Eurostar ticket for Friday.

What with being with Aunty and coming home to all this I’m afaid my libido is uncharacteristically low. Something must be done so I turned the place upside down looking for the tips for healthy sexual ageing that Nick had so kindly given me. Have I told you about Nick? Well in a nutshell he was my first serious boyfriend and we found one another again on Friends Reunited. He was such a randy goat when we were young and it being the pre-pill sixties I was trying to hang on to my virginity at all costs, my mother having made it clear that she would disown me if I became pregnant. So our relationship was a bit of a non starter. It’s flattering that he never forgot me. He says it’s because I was the one that got away. In mid life Nick is still a randy old goat but it has become less physical. He is now into Taoist techniques for setting up orgasmic cycles that mean he never ejaculates. He spent much of our reunion time advising me on how to keep up with him should I want to. He helpfully furnished me with the following list:-

*Wear no knickers
*Masturbate frequently
*Exercise PC muscles with carrot 25 times a day
*Practise twitching PC muscles whenever sitting
*stop/start peeing
*read something erotic at least once a week
*exercise stomach muscles by scrunching 10 times each elbow to knee
*Do 8 Chinese stretching exercises each side. Remember legs must be straightened in turn ;hips rotate 90 degrees
*Read Wu Chi on energy work
*Stand like a tree

After I found the list and found it a irritating the paradox within me raised its ugly head. Has the feeble in me overtaken the fun? What’s happened to the excitement? Oh dear I thought. Is that IT?

But ever one to have a go, I’ve had a serious talk with myself and I’m off to Sainsbury’s to buy some carrots. Organic of course.


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